I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I've blown a few things in my day
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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