then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
