Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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