She is in my trunk
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
