My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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