i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
