Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
