you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
