If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
