I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
