I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
sarcasm needs its own font
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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