just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
