Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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