can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
