a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
