I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
