No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
