i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
