Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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