I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
