Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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