I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
