Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
