I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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