I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
