i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
