And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
