Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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