he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
