ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
