She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
