I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
