Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
