I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
