watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Randomize
