I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
