i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Soap is not a condiment
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
