apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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