Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
