I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
