when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
