weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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