Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
sex in a hospital.. check
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
