I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
