when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
