Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
