Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
