I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
