Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
