But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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