There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
