You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
