Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
