Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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