Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
